Needing advice please on proper funeral etiquette - Gambling Affiliate Place: Programs and Webmasters Forum

bb1webs · #1 02-22-2010, 01:27 AM

Hi all and thanks for coming in.

As you may be aware, the reason I haven't been around is a death in the family.

the funeral was yesterday and on top of everything else ... the weather here prevented me from attending (its an hour drive thru sleet and snow in my carmaro, ... ain't happening, I'd just wreck it).

So I missed the funeral, and though I didn't really know how to go about it, I wanted to somehow approach my in law about slipping him some money.

They've been broke for a couple years now. I send them money as possible, but i always sent it to my cousin, not her hubby. He lost his job couple years back and then slipped into severe depression, that combined with poor health (he's too heavy and = heart condition). Its not that he's lazy, or even given up, but the health combined with he's old, and only knows the one thing, and he's union, so if they ever get their shit together, he'd go back to work).

I know he could use some money.

I didn't make it to the funeral, but I know I could do something much more important (in her eyes anyway) which is help her mate out when in his worst, of worst times.

But how i do approach him with this, and not come off offensive, on top of which now It'd look like I was trying to buy forgiveness for not making the funeral, which in part, maybe i am. But I had always planned on approaching some of his kin and taking the chance (of offending them) to ask them what would be the best way I could get him some money, without hurting his pride.

If they loved him at all, they'd not find offense in my approach.

I really feel bad because if I had not been so un-inclined to ride with my brother (we have our own issues), I could have called him and caught a ride but I just couldn't do it. (an hour in a vehicle with him would be agony, we love each other, yet I can't seem to forgive him for stuff that happened which caused me to end up in this business. So there's that incredible sadness - at least on my part, and his sheer stubborness which he'd use the time to try and convince he how he was right.

.......

think about it, if i just send him (her surviving mate) some money and say I wanted to help, if it strikes him wrong , I insult the man at the worst of his time, and I'm sure my family would hear about it, so already being the black sheep for not conforming to the family business, now I'm a piece of shit as well for what is intended to be a decent thing to do.

I don't care so much what those in the family think, with whom I already have issues, because the way things went down, .... they don't deserve my worry of their opinion.

But I very much worry about the grieving husband's opinion and also my Mom's (she married into the family but was probably loved more than my Dad) so it would be discussed, and of course the rest of the family with whom I get along great, would probably come away with a lesser opinion of me as well.

.....

I guess this is both an explanation for my behavior of late, and a desperate search for a way out of this that honors my fallen cousin, in a meaningful way (ie get her mate some money because I know its needed, without insulting what I"m sure is a pride already on life support).

I know the easiest way out is just not do anything. That at least ensures I don't make matters worse than are now (for me that is), but if I did that, then I really would be a piece of shit, putting my own petty worries of what others would think ... over the very real needs of this torn family.

As you can see a lot has been on my mind. Felt good to write it down.

Thanks for listening, even if you don't have an answer (because I sure as hell don't have one that doesn't have rough edges).

AmCan · #2 02-22-2010, 12:54 PM

I would suggest a phone call or a letter (with the check) to give your condolences and apologizing for not making it to the funeral. I would then say something like this:

"I really wanted to help you during this sad time, but I'm never sure what is the best thing to do. I sympathize with you over your loss and pray for ....(finish as you would). I'm sorry i missed the funeral, but my fear of driving through the ice and snow kept me away. I'm left unsure of how I can best help out. I hope this doesn't sound crass or lazy, but i hoping you'll accept my gift of cash to help cover some expenses, but more importantly I hope it gives you one less thing to worry about at this sad time. "

triple777s · #3 02-22-2010, 03:24 PM

and to add to what AmCan has said....you can also include....

"to honor my cousins memory, i would like to help out the ones she loved and help to make sure that they do not go without what they need at this time." So please let me honor my cousin in a way she would appreciate and respect.

Do you have any type of relationship with the husband or was it just through your cousin?

Pat

slotplayer · #4 02-22-2010, 05:27 PM

I'd send the card first and then some $$$ with a note at a later date. Perhaps a couple or few weeks later.

bb1webs · #5 02-22-2010, 06:22 PM

I actually don't know much about the man, other than I like him.

I thought up this approach since first posting.

I thought about sending an unsigned money order (he can sign it, they'd never know the difference) with a note saying that I had seen in the paper his wife had passed away, that I was sorry to hear of it, and that included is money owed for remodel work he'd done as much as 20 years ago.

That I had always intended to pay him when I had the money and that as life would have it ... I just plain forgot until I saw in the obits.

that to include my name now would be meaningless, that I have now cleared my debt, and it is his choice to do with the money as he sees fit.

...

kinda look like i was ashamed for owing the money so I didn't want to admit who I was ... but that I'd at least made things right.

.....

I first wondered if I should even make this post. I'm glad I did. You guys have covered everything I both thought of ... and worried about.

I'm so worried about looking worse to the family than already, that it isn't funny yet I know if Cathy were alive she'd tell me hell yes send him the money, you think things have gotten better since i left? I was the one holding things together.

I think my solution, believable or not; gives enough pause to someone who is down on their luck to believe what best suits their damaged ego.

I don't like my name associated to it from any direction, really don't want credit for helping out. I just want to do it because it should. .... IMO .. has to be done. Not my style to ignore these matters.

I once had a girlfriend who I wanted to leave soooo badly. But I never could because every time I started to ... it was like leaving a sinking ship with the women and children still on board. Luckily she ended up leaving me for what I imagine she thought was a better ride, but the guy ended up crashing in flames and she was lucky to not end up in jail too.

I can't leave this ship either, until I know I didn't leave any on board. I'm not out to save his life for here after ... just to know that I made sure he was on a life boat too ... and from there he's on his own. That, I can live with.

......

I'm going to wait a while longer before going thru with the above plan, in case you guys see a flaw I missed.

Thanks so much!

Renee · #6 02-23-2010, 02:33 AM

Hey mate

I think AmCan's suggestion is quiet perfect and I think it's a very admirable thing that you would like to do.

I would hope that your cousin in law will put his pride aside for the time it takes to read your letter because this is generally the thing that gets in the way. Some people don't like others to think they're struggling, but in actual fact, sometimes it can save their life.

I know if I had asked for help or someone had seen that I was in financial trouble back when I was, I would be much better off today.. Sometimes it takes looking at the bigger picture to realise that asking for help is not something to be ashamed of, nor is accepting it..

Good luck

bb1webs · #7 02-23-2010, 04:10 PM

Thanks all,

I finally got a good nights sleep last night and this morning I've decided I've been at half speed long enough.

I agree, I am going to just send him the money, sign it as myself, hope he understands, but if he doesn't. well it won't be the first time I had good intentions and screwed things up.

In fact its more the norm so why the hell stop at a time when even if its wrong, its right.

thanks for the advice everyone. I was really torn. I hate funerals and although I don't want to leave this world any sooner than possible, God will do me a favor to take me before he puts me thru the loss of more close loved ones.

don't know if that's how it will work out, but don't feel bad for me if I ever do leave early. It will be a much bigger blessing than living thru the loss of all my loved ones. in less than 5 years I've lost my Grandparents (who as much raised me as my parents), my Father, an adopted uncle, and my Mother is fighting a cancer-like disease that at best gives her 10 years (2 into it). Toss in a much loved dog and rabbit (and no, the rabbit died at 10yrs age which is a long time for them, not from the dog lol), ... and I've had my fill of it.

Thanks for listening. I'll leave this alone now. And try to get back to the norm, though as I write this ... I don't feel like my heart has moved forward, just my will.

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